We're all a little messed up. Though I will say I have met many people who do not seem to understand mental disorders. They're scared of them. There is not enough people that speak up about the horrors that they deal with in their everyday life. I'm inclined to believe we all have them. The most dangerous thing we can do is hide them. I've spent the last year of my life struggling to be more vocal about how I truly feel. But if I can't do it than my preaching means absolutely nothing. So, sit back, buckle up, and allow me take you on this journey I'm on.
It's taken me years to understand the full effect of my mental disorders. I've always been an anxious kid. My mom would round a corner and I would cry thinking she had left me. This would carry on into my adult life but in different forms. I feel extreme separation anxiety when I am displaced from my environment, friends, and family. I have seen this cause problems in my traveling and busy life style.
I also remember the first time my stomach problems began. It was around the same time as my separation anxiety began to peak through. I remember seeing a surgical video one night around the age of 5 or 6. That video made me feel so uneasy I remember waking up with nausea. The nausea persisted for days. So much so that my parents took me to the hospital to get testing done. After having a tube down my nose, into my throat, in my stomach for a week. I was told there was nothing wrong with me. To this day I have had stomach issues that have only continuously gotten worse over time.
They correlate with each other. That is something I know now for sure. When I get anxious the nausea is not far behind and vice versa. I have also noticed a pattern in these trends. They come and go. There will be months where I am on top of the world. I might be working 2 jobs, modeling, going to school, hanging with my friends and everything is together. But then something happens. I feel trapped. I feel stuck. My anxiety sets in and soon my stomach feel unsettled as well. I usually shut down. It can cause me to be sick and sometimes vomit for hours. Usually not much in my life is actually hurt during this time. I may take some time off from school or work but usually everything remains intact. Though in my head it is all falling apart and I am stuck inside my head watching it happen.
I noticed that when I feel unsupported or lonely I tend to send myself into some sort of panic. That can usually only be calmed down after talking to friends and family members. Making me feel like a burden at times to those around me. (Though they swear up and down I am not) My mental health journey is far from over. I have gone to therapy before and I will again. But being able to recognize my triggers and knowing where to get help are the first steps in being able to LIVE with a mental disorder. The next steps are HOW. Which I am sure a therapist will be able to answer. I'll get back to you all on that.
That leads me to my next topic. I do not believe you can cure a mental disorder. Not completely. Not with medication and not entirely with therapy. Though these things will help you cope. BUT that is okay. It has to be okay. My mental disorder is apart of who I am. As ugly and horrible as it may be it is apart of me. I refuse to be ashamed of it and refuse to stay quiet. My anxiety will always be something I have to identify and work on. I've seen it change and take different shapes throughout my life. But never entirely go away. And I'm learning that that is okay. I want to be able to COEXIST with my anxiety and be able to address it in a healthy manner. Recently I have felt all over the place. But I know where I want to be. My heart is in the right place now it is just time to get my head in there too. Wish me luck! And I'll be wishing you some too. No one's life is easy. Let's keep taking it day by day.
Never stay silent,
Chey
It's taken me years to understand the full effect of my mental disorders. I've always been an anxious kid. My mom would round a corner and I would cry thinking she had left me. This would carry on into my adult life but in different forms. I feel extreme separation anxiety when I am displaced from my environment, friends, and family. I have seen this cause problems in my traveling and busy life style.
I also remember the first time my stomach problems began. It was around the same time as my separation anxiety began to peak through. I remember seeing a surgical video one night around the age of 5 or 6. That video made me feel so uneasy I remember waking up with nausea. The nausea persisted for days. So much so that my parents took me to the hospital to get testing done. After having a tube down my nose, into my throat, in my stomach for a week. I was told there was nothing wrong with me. To this day I have had stomach issues that have only continuously gotten worse over time.
They correlate with each other. That is something I know now for sure. When I get anxious the nausea is not far behind and vice versa. I have also noticed a pattern in these trends. They come and go. There will be months where I am on top of the world. I might be working 2 jobs, modeling, going to school, hanging with my friends and everything is together. But then something happens. I feel trapped. I feel stuck. My anxiety sets in and soon my stomach feel unsettled as well. I usually shut down. It can cause me to be sick and sometimes vomit for hours. Usually not much in my life is actually hurt during this time. I may take some time off from school or work but usually everything remains intact. Though in my head it is all falling apart and I am stuck inside my head watching it happen.
I noticed that when I feel unsupported or lonely I tend to send myself into some sort of panic. That can usually only be calmed down after talking to friends and family members. Making me feel like a burden at times to those around me. (Though they swear up and down I am not) My mental health journey is far from over. I have gone to therapy before and I will again. But being able to recognize my triggers and knowing where to get help are the first steps in being able to LIVE with a mental disorder. The next steps are HOW. Which I am sure a therapist will be able to answer. I'll get back to you all on that.
That leads me to my next topic. I do not believe you can cure a mental disorder. Not completely. Not with medication and not entirely with therapy. Though these things will help you cope. BUT that is okay. It has to be okay. My mental disorder is apart of who I am. As ugly and horrible as it may be it is apart of me. I refuse to be ashamed of it and refuse to stay quiet. My anxiety will always be something I have to identify and work on. I've seen it change and take different shapes throughout my life. But never entirely go away. And I'm learning that that is okay. I want to be able to COEXIST with my anxiety and be able to address it in a healthy manner. Recently I have felt all over the place. But I know where I want to be. My heart is in the right place now it is just time to get my head in there too. Wish me luck! And I'll be wishing you some too. No one's life is easy. Let's keep taking it day by day.
Never stay silent,
Chey
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